The Therapy that Made me Smart
I felt stupid for a decade of my life.
I knew it wasn't true, yet I could not shake the belief.
I graduated high school with a 4.0 and a handful of scholarships, so it wasn’t like I was dumb.
So I did what I thought might be the cure:I read books.
I read books on mindset, leadership, personal growth, faith, the brain, and overcoming.
I was full of knowledge but empty of belief.
Little did I know EMDR therapy would change my life.
Much of this lack of belief was due to several events in my life where friends and family told me I was stupid for the decisions I made.
I entered high school in the shadow of my older brother--class valedictorian and all around teacher favorite.
Teachers and staff, unaware of the damage they were causing would regularly ask:
“Are you going to be valedictorian like your brother?”
“Are you going to take all the AP classes like he did?”
As a young, independent high-school jock, I simply replied that I was the athlete of the family.
But the thought; “Am I smart enough?” kept popping in my head as often as my six year-old asks “Are we there yet?” on a 12 hour road trip.
During one particular EMDR therapy session, I had a revelation. As I was tapping through not feeling cut out to have success, I realized that “feeling stupid” was actually a huge mental block holding me back. Reclining back in the grey loveseat, staring up at the white wall I replied with a quizzical, “Huh...I guess I never realized that.” This was a huge turning point. Looking back there were two significant events that preceded this mental block.
Two years after I graduated high school, while I was in college I was living with my best friend. We had been friends since we were 7 years old. Over the last two years as college students we had each changed. My boyfriend (now husband) had joined a network marketing company that focused solely on leadership training. I helped him with the business but mainly devoured the leadership books and CDs. The deeper I dove into becoming a better person and leader the more I felt the need to stop partying and drinking. I knew getting wasted wasn’t healthy for me. It made me sick and I just knew it wasn’t helping me further my life. She didn’t understand my decision to quit partying and attributed it to the leadership business being the cause of the change and in part, it was. I fell in love with becoming better and being around others that felt the same. What I failed to do was share that with my friend. I just kind of let the relationship slide. So when the day came for me to pay her rent and I had negative $1500 in my bank account because it had been hacked into, it was the perfect time for her to express her anger with me. The words came through a text in reply to my text informing her I wouldn’t be able to pay rent for a couple of days.
“You’ve changed”
“Loser.”
“Scam”
“Bum on the streets, homeless.”
Let me be clear: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”, is a bunch of B.S.
Hurting people hurt people mainly with their words and that is exactly what happened.
Not even a year after this hurtful event, I decided college wasn’t for me, which led to another event that further fed my belief of being stupid.
When I decided to quit college it wasn’t a light decision. I had talked about it for months, prayed about it and really did some deep searching of what I wanted to do with my life. Going to my parents was the hardest thing I had done in my 21 years of life up until that point. The fear of letting them down and being a disappointment to them pulled immensely at my heart. Since my parents were divorced I knew going to my dad would be the hardest so I decided to go drop the bomb to him first. I had practiced in my head over and over what I was going to say, envisioning it all going smoothly even if he didn’t agree. As I sat down to share, heart racing, I managed to get the words out the way I had practiced. What happened next was not part of what I had envisioned. My dad was undeniably hurt and took my decision personally. We went back and forth, the discussion growing into an argument. I was shattered and angry. I’m not proud of the things I said next (though they are blurry in my mind) and I know he isn’t either. The arguing came to a close when he said if I follow through with this decision I’d be a “loser” (while putting an L on his forehead) and end up struggling the rest of my life. I stormed out of the house, tears coming out full force.
With both my best friend and dad, we had each apologized and made amends. Though a lot of relationship repair was still in need.
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Colossians 3:13
Over the years both my dad and my friend became my biggest supporters in my journey in business and as a stay-at-home, homeschool mom. Yet little did I know those words would stick inside of me.
Each of these experiences planted a seed and over the years they took root deep in my subconscious.
Already feeling inferior, my mind went to work fertilizing those seeds every time I was around an intellectual conversation I couldn’t grasp.
I had labeled myself as an uneducated SAHM, running a network marketing business (which is frequently deemed as “the uneducated” who join them).
Also, I’m blessed with an incredibly smart husband and smart friends, but I could not seem to hang with the conversation. They would talk in depth about politics, crypto, logic and deep dives into tech or theology.
I, on the other hand, would be completely happy if everyone would just laugh a lot and watch The Proposal one more time with me.
I want to understand and participate, but I felt that I couldn’t understand what they meant, or couldn’t communicate what I was trying to say in an intelligent manner.
The Therapy that Changed Everything.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an extensively researched, effective psychotherapy method proven to help people recover from trauma and other distressing life experiences, including PTSD, anxiety, depression, and panic disorders.
EMDR therapy does not require talking in detail about the distressing issue or completing homework between sessions. Thank the Lord!
With EMDR, rather than focusing on changing the emotions, thoughts, or behaviors resulting from the distressing issue, it allows the brain to resume its natural healing process.
Basically it moves the traumatic memories from the emotional side of the brain to the non-emotional side. The experience is still remembered but the fight, flight or freeze response is resolved.
Using eye movement or other bilateral movements such as crossing your arms and tapping back and forth, the client performs the bilateral movement while recalling the traumatic memory. This allows their own intellectual and emotional processes to help them process the mental block, giving the client power over the memory.
I was skeptical that EMDR therapy would actually make a difference. It sounded too good to be true.
Prior to therapy, each week was filled with a storm of emotions. I would muster up enough confidence for a few days to do what I convinced myself was my best, but deep down I still felt inadequate. I would do just enough in my business to not have the impact I desired. Then I would self-sabotage and take a week off. I would consume some motivational porn, get hyped up, and then promptly change nothing and continue going through the same emotions. Or maybe I was just not cut out for success? I was so confused why I couldn’t get past this.
After a few weeks of EMDR to reprocess the belief that “I am stupid”, I suddenly realized I had a fire lit within. The negative energy from that belief was immense. Once I processed this negative belief (mental block) I knew I was a new person.
I didn’t feel stupid, I felt empowered.
I didn’t feel little, I felt valued.
I didn’t feel confused, I felt confident.
A few weeks ago I joined Write of Passage, a 5 week intensive writing course. The old me would have been largely intimidated by the people taking the course.
If you would have told the old me that I’d be taking a course surrounded by executives, CEO’s, Venture Capitalist’s, Tech lovers, and high level thinkers I would have been apprehensive, self-conscious and overwhelmed.
The new me was stoked to connect and learn along with them. I knew I had value to add as a homeschool, business owning, stay-at-home-mom.
For once I can finally say that I believe 100% I am smart, I do have value to give and I will no longer live under the belief that I am stupid.
We all have value to add to the world and I believe that if you’re stuck like I was, give EMDR a try to make a lasting impact in the lives of all we meet.